i wish i could remember.

this is the time of year i miss portland the most.

in 2012.

when i'm in portland for fall... for the first time... in 4 years...

i think ill cry every day.

my soul droops inside of me when i think about everyone in their peacoats and rolled up jeans... riding bikes in the cool crispness and being aware of slippery leaves under your wheels.

the blazing trees hanging out over every road.

mist.

the scent and taste of the air.

mud.

the way everyone is drawn together in an untidyness when you come in out of the rain. Cheeks pink and noses running... you let down your hoods and your hair is damp with body heat and rain... this of course causing people with the straightest hair to find small curls and cowlicks around their temples.

unbuttoning and delayering.

the way Powell's is no longer silent but filled with the timpani sound of rain pounding on the windows.

slick entryways.

what puddles look like when they are ridden through by a thin wheeled bike. a thin and shortlived curtain.

damp moss everywhere.

ferns that cry.

driving home sunset highway when its raining but the sun is still shining forth.

getting asthma from running and it slowly leaving while you sit inside your house.

real pumpkin patches.

no umbrellas... what are you.. an Ex-Californian?

socks up to your knees under your jeans.

red around your knuckles.

storms and their sounds.

inside, home alone after high school... laying on the couch looking out the window... bag slewn on the floor, shoes still on but not for long... one sock having inched its way under my heel...

clothes tightly constricting my movements until i can only be a cylinder in this world.

the slow unbuttoning.

one minute in between each one.

laying there... thinking about how good it is to be alive.

thats what rain does.

it reminds you...

youre alive.

and these are the confines of your body.

and thats where i end... at my fingertip, my nose, my toe.

i don't go any further into space and space is greeting me with rain.

i'm alive.