in real.

going to portland.

2010-02-15T14:19:00.000-08:00

spring break March 25- April 4th

from Azusa to Portland

15 and a half hours.

979.69 miles

-possible stop in Fresno w/ andrea's sister

-possible stop in Eugene OR w/ michelle or at Onyx House

Ariel's shower - SUNDAY March 28th

1. car

2. who is on board (natalie, andrea, hannah, peter, mitch, alex, tyler, luke, lauren)

3. mid-drive stop (fresno, redding, hotel, rest stop, camping, eugene)

4. food cost (one bought meal, sandwiches, grapes, etc)

5. place to stay

if Jesus had never lived...

2010-02-10T01:43:00.001-08:00

we would never have been able to invent him...

here i am.

2010-02-07T13:38:00.001-08:00

the only living boy in neww yorrk.

here i am.

unspoken anger.

2010-02-07T13:00:00.000-08:00

the closer you are to someone the more they can do you harm.

apologies.

2010-02-06T20:30:00.000-08:00

i think its a nice thing when you've heard a person apologize before....

just so you know they actually do it.

TO BE DONE.

2010-02-03T11:48:00.000-08:00

i've been neglecting you.

RAC REVIEW TIME.

Comp Graphics

1. compassion first

2. business card/letterhead

2D Design

3. the darlings

4. wooden crying kid

3D Design

5. bird light

6. (email bill catling)

Drawing 1

Sculpture

9. dress

10. wood and maps

Painting

11.

12.

Figure Drawing

13. skin layer

14. wash girl

Photography

15.

16.

2010-01-28T01:07:00.000-08:00

im not mighty like the mountains.

i'm not pretty like the sea.

im not the smartest thing you've ever made...

but you seem to really love me.

------

i'm working on my first paper... yes thats right... FIRST paper of college.

i know its insane.

i don't know how it happened.. and i was not intentionally trying to avoid writing.. (AS I LOVE IT)

it just happened.

its amazing how unfocused i am ;)

i reorganized my room...

lit candles.

went to kaleo.

rode jeremy's bike.

hung out with jeremy.

ate dinner.

read.

sang.

facebooked.

EVERYTHING...

i just can't write the last page of my paper.

part of my wants to miss out on greek tomorrow in order to do it in the morning...

but thats just a bad idea.

i love andrea she's great and hilarious.

ill miss rooming with her next year.

not sure who i'll be with yet...

kinda SCARY.

ive lived a year.

2010-01-26T21:22:00.000-08:00

i feel as though ive lived a year since last wednesday.

been through every emotion 12 times and grown a lot.

made several new friends...

lost one.

lost an almost boyfriend? bahaa... i know its been CRAZY.

HORRIBLE.

2010-01-07T00:00:00.000-08:00

ABOUT NEW YORK

A Clothing Clearance Where More Than Just the Prices Have Been Slashed

By JIM DWYER

Published: January 5, 2010

In the bitter cold on Monday night, a man and woman picked apart a pyramid of clear trash bags, the discards of the HM clothing store that reigns in blazing plate-glass glory on 34th Street, just east of Sixth Avenue in Manhattan.

Enlarge This Image

Suzanne DeChillo/The New York Times

Cynthia Magnus with mutilated clothing she found on West 35th Street last month. She said she was appalled by the waste.

Times Topics: Jim Dwyer

At the back entrance on 35th Street, awaiting trash haulers, were bags of garments that appear to have never been worn. And to make sure that they never would be worn or sold, someone had slashed most of them with box cutters or razors, a familiar sight outside H & M’s back door. The man and woman were there to salvage what had not been destroyed.

He worked quickly, never uttering a word. A bag was opened and eyed, and if it held something of promise, was tossed at the feet of the woman. She said her name was Pepa.

Were the clothes usually cut up before they were thrown out?

“A veces,” she said in Spanish. Sometimes.

She packed up a few items that had escaped the blade — a bright green T-shirt that said “Summer of Surf,” and a dark-blue hoodie in size 12, with a Divided label. The rest was returned to the pyramid.

It is winter. A third of the city is poor. And unworn clothing is being destroyed nightly.

A few doors down on 35th Street, hundreds of garments tagged for sale in Wal-Mart — hoodies and T-shirts and pants — were discovered in trash bags the week before Christmas, apparently dumped by a contractor for Wal-Mart that has space on the block.

Each piece of clothing had holes punched through it by a machine.

They were found by Cynthia Magnus, who attends classes at the Graduate Center of theCity University of New York on Fifth Avenue and noticed the piles of discarded clothing as she walked to the subway station in Herald Square. She was aghast at the waste, and dragged some of the bags home to Brooklyn, hoping that someone would be willing to take on the job of patching the clothes and making them wearable.

A Wal-Mart spokeswoman, Melissa Hill, said the company normally donates all its unworn goods to charities, and would have to investigate why the items found on 35th Street were discarded.

During her walks down 35th Street, Ms. Magnus said, it is more common to find destroyed clothing in the H & M trash. On Dec. 7, during an early cold snap, she said, she saw about 20 bags filled with H & M clothing that had been cut up.

“Gloves with the fingers cut off,” Ms. Magnus said, reciting the inventory of ruined items. “Warm socks. Cute patent leather Mary Jane school shoes, maybe for fourth graders, with the instep cut up with a scissor. Men’s jackets, slashed across the body and the arms. The puffy fiber fill was coming out in big white cotton balls.” The jackets were tagged $59, $79 and $129.

This week, a manager in the H & M store on 34th Street said inquiries about its disposal practices had to be made to its United States headquarters. However, various officials did not respond to 10 inquiries made Tuesday by phone and e-mail.

Directly around the corner from H & M is a big collection point for New York Cares, which conducts an annual coat drive.

“We’d be glad to take unworn coats, and companies often send them to us,” said Colleen Farrell, a spokeswoman for New York Cares.

More than coats were tossed out. “The H & M thing was just ridiculous, not only clothing, but bags and bags of sturdy plastic hangers,” Ms. Magnus said. “I took a dozen of them. A girl can never have enough hangers.”

H & M, which is based in Sweden, has an executive in charge of corporate responsibility who leads the company’s sustainability efforts. On its Web site, H&M reports that to save paper, it has shrunk its shipping labels.

“How about all the solid waste generated by throwing away usable garments and plastic hangers?” Ms. Magnus asked in a letter to the executive, Ingrid Schullstrom. She volunteered to help H & M connect with a charity or agency in New York that could put the unsold items to better use than simply tossing them in the trash. So far, she said, she has gotten no response.

On Monday night, Pepa’s shopping bag held a few items. She pointed to her gray sweatpants. “From here,” she said.

How about coats?

“Maybe tomorrow,” she said.

E-mail: dwyer@nytimes.com

michelles house alone.

2010-01-06T15:08:00.000-08:00

i'm soooooo hungry! this is ridiculous.

i'm so bored.

i have adorbs friends.

2010-01-05T23:43:00.000-08:00

love them too much.

movies i want to see:

2010-01-04T01:03:00.000-08:00

1. Brief Interviews With Hideous Men

2. The White Ribbon

3. Phedre (is that wrong? oh and its a play... not a film)

4. Public Enemies

5. STILL haven't seen Brothers

6. NEVER LET ME GO (oh my gawd. I CANT WAIT)

7. The Greatest

...

also: follow Aaron Johnson... he'll soon become a household name.

new piece.

2010-01-04T00:23:00.000-08:00

i'm working on a new piece.

its all white.

fabric.

lace,pleats, sheer,

oh don't worry... its wearable.

ill be calling her Percival... like i name EVERYTHING else in my life.

Carey Mulligan.

2010-01-04T00:18:00.000-08:00

i should trust my instinct.

she's the new IT girl...

and i'm late on the upkeep because i am too concerned with the people around me catching up and praising my anticipation...

it keeps me from looking forward and anticipating the next thing.

not fooled.

2010-01-01T18:07:00.000-08:00

bahahahaha...

someone tried to give me some music called LAKES.

i listened to it for about 4 seconds today and immediately recognized it.

watashi-wa.

the worst band of christian music....

YOU CANT FOOL ME YOU JUST CHANGED YOUR NAME AND YOUR DEMOGRAPHIC.

you still suck.

they are freaking horrible. melodylines absolutely forced BLECK.

how to make a living making art.

2009-12-31T15:22:00.000-08:00

my friend Grahm posted this article... and i love it.

i changed it in my brains to apply it to the fine arts... but please just read it and enjoy learning from it...

just some good straight up wisdom... and apparently Grahm got it from Colin Meloy so there ya go.

i hear so much complaining about this subject, i just wanted to lay my practical experience on you. free.

first, three pre-conditions:

1. if you are a very materialistic person, skip this article, i don't think you are going to like what it says.
2. if you don't have the music where you want it art-wise, you might want to go work on that, this article isn't going to help you much either. you will be better off by practicing and studying and working on your music instead. you will need to get the art pretty close to where you want it, before you should worry about making much of a living out of it.
3. determine if you are actually called to be a musician. if you aren't called, all the gyrations in the world, won't make it work. if you are called, no matter what you do, it's going to work. this determination will solve most of the problems you are going to encounter.

assuming these three conditions are met, you are financially workable and you have the music where you want it and you are surely called into the art, here goes, in no particular order as i am want:

a. keep your expenses very low. read that one again. move someplace cheap. drive a good used car. do all the things it takes to be a secure un-monied person. you have to have health insurance. you have to have a reliable car [unless you live in nyc or something]. you have to have some money in savings. you have to pay your taxes. don't have a big expense of alcohol or drugs or any drag on your system like that. i wouldn't even smoke. use your head. spend very little, save as much as you can and don't get into any big expenditure until you can afford it, maybe never. buy your gear used. research as much as you can. think about it really hard before you part with a dollar.
learn how to honestly add and subtract without emotion. if you spend more than you take in, you lost money. i can't tell you how many folks that i run into that have trouble with this. if you bring in more that went out guess what? you just made money.
stick to this low-overhead model, if you end up making a bunch of dough, you already know how to deal with it. if not, you still get to keep working because you don't have a bunch of stuff that you have to dust and pay for.
the more overhead you tack on, the harder it's going to be. and the easier it is to get knocked off course.

b. however, don't be a cheapskate. tithe or donate faithfully whatever your heart tells you to do. pay your band as much as you can. never withhold a laborers wages. tip well. give street musicians money. become involved in charity work.

c. be totally square on your taxes. render unto caesar that which is caesar's. if you try to fudge on this, it will come back to bite you every time. get receipts for everything, 1099 everyone no matter what, unless they are a corporation. be totally on top of this or you are burning money in a pile on the lawn. claim every dollar you make and take every deduction. otherwise you are a drag on the system. keep perfect records.

d. your basic infrastructure will have to consist of these things: a good lawyer, bookkeeper, cpa, doctor, a mechanic, an instrument repair person, web person, and someone in your circle that will always tell you the truth. maybe a backup of each one. and do what they say. these are all musts, even for solo acts. then later you can add a good agent. then maybe a manager if you have lots of stuff to deal with like a label. you can grow from there. if you don't assemble a good team of the first eight people on that list, you are likely to have problems every time you turn around and you might not have a way to fix them.

e. if you are going into a deal with any entity, seek two things:
1. the arrangement must be win/win. win/lose is ultimately lose/lose. avoid that.
2. make an agreement that either one of you can walk away at any time and everything is cool.

f. keep working on your art. keep taking lessons and studying and working. this is the main art strategy. research, learn, study, experiment, develop, edit.

g. don't be afraid to do other things to make money in the short term. this can be a very rewarding experience. historically musicians have been barbers and bartenders and all kinds of stuff to make ends meet. this is totally fine. don't worry about it. it's cool. do what you need to do. waiting tables will give you lots of stuff to write songs about. i used to call myself the king of the part time job, because i could get up out of my chair at any time and go get a job of some sort. not that it would be the greatest job of course, but i could go and get something going. i've cleaned pools, painted apartments, done maintenance work, taught music, worked in a factory, threw newspapers, drove a delivery truck, cooked, all kinds of stuff, and none of it killed me. through it all i was able to keep practicing and writing music and studying what i was doing. bills? hey no problem, go flip a few burgers and i can pay that and get back to playing the banjo. get a job in a dance band whatever i have to do. just live within your means and you can avoid so many hassles. hassles interrupt your practice routine.

h. keep your art the main focus. it isn't about you it's about your art. do what's good for your art and don't draw attention to yourself as much as the art. if your main focus is on the art, waiting tables is no big deal because you are doing it to support your art. if your main focus is you, you are not going to like waiting tables. you will feel like you are way too good for that.

i. avoid the performance mentality. i know this sounds ridiculous in a performance based industry. but think about this. here is a recipe for disaster.
my value = my performance + other people's opinions
the reason why, is that someday, you are going to have an off day and/or someone is going to criticize you. if you put your value in the world like that, you are going to have a bad time of it. i speak from experience. i only learned this at the age of 46. finding my true value fixed this for me. [write me if you want to know what it is.] but establish your value outside of how well you did on the gig and what the papers said about you. otherwise you are going to be miserable and you are going to make everyone else miserable. somedays you play better than others. this doesn't make you a great person. somedays you make lots of errors, this doesn't make you a bad person.

h. don't gossip. gossip means you aren't in the problem or the solution, you are just talking about someone and probably gaining pleasure from something bad not happening to you or envying something good that happened to someone else. spend your energy on getting better at your art.

i. record labels. they can help or they can drag you down. here's the scoop. if they expect you to be the primary distributor of the product, don't sign the deal. the typical deal is a 90/10 split, you get the ten minus every expense related to the project. thus you are paying for everything and giving the label 90 percent of the gross. read that sentence again.
if they aren't really really offering you something good in terms of promotion, or something....some tangible quantitized tie-in to something bigger, skip it. you can hire that stuff yourself easier. talk to other artists on the roster and ask them what they think. any more, if you are an emerging artist, it's going to be hard to find a label home. they are losing so much dough they only want for sure money makers or somewhat less money losers on the roster, and they are dropping folks right and left. this is all good for you. take heart. it's a 90/10 deal and you get the 10 and they want you to be the primary distributor of the product plus pay for the whole deal, those are not very good terms. in addition they will charge you eight bucks plus shipping for your own cds that you can make for either zero or one dollar. and they might complain about every little detail. again if they really have an idea for a bang up thing they are thinking of, by all means have a go. if they are motivated and have a track record and have ideas and are workable, they can really help. however, you might want to have an out. have an out clause in there. shooting from the hip, i'd tell you to avoid the whole thing and do it yourself. it's very likely that the person that brings your act into the label fold will get fired. then you can get stuck with four years left on the deal and no one will return your calls. then they just hope you will get another deal and someone will buy out the rest of the contract. lot of bands close up shop at this point.
there are some labels that operate with different models. i have had very good success with them. they tend to be more punk rock style outfits. you might want to investigate that. the standard deal referred to in the preceeding paragraph is pretty hard to profit from unless the contract is on your letterhead. the punk rock deal goes something like this, all the black ink goes in a list, all the red ink goes in a list, find the difference, split what's left if it's a positive number. fifty fifty. these are really the only deals i ever made money on. the point is, there are some other ways to look at stuff contractually. if the deal is win/win, great. if it's win/lose, skip it. if the label in question is locked into doing contractual things a certain way, this won't be for your benefit. you are creative, your business arrangements can be creative.

j. the main business strategy is to build your own audience. if you have a draw, agents, labels or investors [which i do not recommend] and stuff will come to you. if you skip this step and start trying to talk to industry people and you don't have a draw yet, you are going to be sorry [unless you are really hot looking or have a famous parent and/or willing to sign away the rights to the whole thing of course]. build your own audience. if you can sell your own records that you make yourself and do your own shows, you can attract the attention of industry folks and get your calls returned. then you probably won't need them unless you want them. that's a better bargaining position for you. work on your draw.
if you don't have a draw, these are some likely things to look at:
where you are playing isn't the right place
the music isn't there yet
the time isn't right

in any case, the answer is to forge ahead. keep doing it. always keep writing and practicing.

keep working on finding more and better places to play. and new contexts within which to place your work. if something feels right, it probably is right. if you are having to bang your head against the wall in regard to something, it may be better to drop it sooner. the longer you work on something that isn't going to work out job-wise, i think the more time we waste.

i wouldn't get too hung up about opening slots. they are okay and you can increase your draw, but as far as that being the principle strategy you are using, it may not work. the old model of thinking that if you open for someone and do a good job you can get some of their audience interested in your work is not really that reliable. find a new model. if you meet someone who wants to work on your team, and you are thinking of hiring them and they offer this as the main strategy, this is not a creative workable person. they are working on business models that are decades old. this ploy will work sometimes, but it should be part of an overall deal, not the main thing. just like if you went to interview a financial advisor and he said, "what we are going to try to do is to buy low and sell high," and behaves as though he has just isolated the plutonium isotope. you might need a little more horsepower upstairs than that if you get my drift.

i work for free when it's kind of my idea to do so. if someone else suggests it, i tend to pass. i also pass on a job where they say they aren't going to pay you but you'll sell lots of cds. and when i did not adhere to this, i was sorry.

i'm not really a self promotion person, and find that sort of distasteful. in my experience the strong self promotion vibe alienates people or attracts folks that you don't want to work with. maybe i just didn't do it right but this did not work for me. i've had much better results endeavoring to let the art speak for itself.

k. don't expect to get paid more than you can bring in. if you draw ten people, and the cover is ten bucks a head, you gross one hundred dollars. not five hundred. don't get mad at the agent, club owner or whatever because of simple math. you drew ten folks. guess what? that's better than nine. if you want a raise, figure out how to draw more folks. this is not as mysterious as some would suggest. but you can't ask for more than you bring in the door.
if you don't believe this, try producing some concerts of your own.

l. you may not want to hire sidemen that get too worked up about money, it can be hard to make these folks happy. also when it comes to hiring musicians, you may have to live with them at arm's length for a long time and be involved with them about emotional issues like money and life problems and stuff. you may want a person that's easy to get along with even if they are a little less sharp musically. of course getting both is best, but if you have to take one or the other, take the one you get along with a little better. if you are in a place where you don't have a lot of choice, you may be forced into hiring someone that's tough to be around. replace them when you can. really the best players i know are also the nicest folks. except for one or two. many times, in that world of musicians that are struggling to make a living, but haven't really gotten there yet with the music or with the people skills or what have you, they will be the most difficult to deal with. they over-compensate by talking too much, or acting like they know everything, or showing up drunk or being really critical or whatever. when folks have it together, they are at ease and play great, and know when to lay out and stuff. they are also more expensive.
it's totally fine and many times necessary to use different players on the recordings than in the shows. if you are a leader, do this with no guilt. if you are a sideman, get ready for it and don't complain. it has to be this way. if you don't believe it, trying putting out your own record. you'll soon see why when you go to record. sidemen, you can always practice and take lessons and get your tuning and timing together.
leaders again, get their tax id and report every dollar that transacts. if someone is upset about this, you can't use them. period. never fudge on taxes.

m. you really won't be able to work that much in the town where you live. and there will probably be a morass of musicians in your hometown that aren't really committed to the lifestyle that haven't really developed their art that will be complaining loudly about how hard it is to make a living and whatnot and you can easily get sucked into their trip. you'll be better off traveling to various places and developing that. use local shows to try out new stuff, play with different folks, have fun, play for the home town crowd, etc. but typically you won't be able to work that often at home. maybe twice a year or something. don't worry about that. your market is the whole world, not your hometown. negativity is a sign to alter the course.

n. don't let anyone tell you that you can't make money playing music. six of my pretty good musician friends are millionaires. three of them multi. three of them play music that most folks would surely comment, "you can't make any money playing that." don't tell those guys. five of them are the nicest people you would ever want to meet. one of them is as mean as a snake. there you go.

o. i would suggest being able to do different things. if you write songs, maybe you can sing on other folk's demos. maybe play guitar in someone else's band. for years i taught music lessons in a music store. many folks i work with have a little studio and also play in someone's band. or they are a chef or tax person on the side. this is all very healthy. i know several folks that are sidemen but have their own writing deal or what have you. this is a good course to take. that way you can take a hit and keep moving. the world doesn't grind to a halt because your label went under.

p. be wary of someone that talks about gear a lot. also be wary of folks that tell you how great they are. stay away from complainers and folks that don't have their lives somewhat together. sometimes folks need some ministering, which is certainly what we are called to do, but if you take someone out on the road with a big jones, you are going to be sorry... or otherwise get involved financially, look out. don't make your own problems or agree to be in a messed up deal. drama is always bad. never make a financial agreement with someone that has no problem getting paid for not working.

q. all the trouble in the world is going to come for you in two ways. the things you say, and the things you agree to do. be very careful about these items.

p. build alliances. let's say you play some weird kind of music, make contact with someone in another city that does something similar and offer to set up a concert for them in your town. maybe they will later help you to play their city or something. work it out with them. if you can't get into a particular festival, why not have your own festival? get some like minded bands together, the venues would love to turn over the night to you to produce your own gig, and do it yourself. sometimes you can do stuff like that yourself easier than you can talk someone else into doing it for you and then paying you, think about that. going to that big music conference is out of the question for some reason? why not have your own conference? it might be cheaper to fly the guy in you are wanting to have see your band. that way you only have to put one guy up, rather than having the expense of flying a six piece band to los angeles and have one guy come out out to the show that lives there. he may blow you off anyway. it would probably be cheaper to fly in six a and r guys to where you are and put them up and have them come to the show, than it would be to take the band out to them because of the gear and salary. you also could have their undivided attention, within reason.
don't keep saying "well if i had a label or agent or manager, then i could be happy." forget that. forge ahead with your music. keep working. develop the music. come up with different ways to do an end run around conventional wisdom. if you are really called to be in music, the right people will present themselves at the right time. build those alliances of simpatico musicians, writers, studio guys, label guys, radio guys. be nice and help others.
i have been fortunate enough to be close friends with lots of folks that are way better at music than i am. i take constant inspiration and encouragement from these folks. i think this has been really good for my work.

r. if for one second you think you aren't getting the recognition your talent deserves, banish this thought immediately. if others tell you this, ignore it. just keep working on the music. you are probably right where you are supposed to be, learning and doing what you are supposed to be learning and doing.

s. if there's no social context for the music you are making, don't be mad if no one comes to the shows or buys the music. or if only very few people do. in that case the reward has to be the music. hey that's a great deal. also you have lots of freedom to do different stuff. there's no one to alienate. let's face it, sometimes having no one at the show is a great indicator that you are onto something. i'm serious.

t. robert keen told me he never regretted firing anybody that he fired, and i agree. if someone is a problem, and they won't fix it, get rid of them. it's okay. you both will be happier.

u. don't waste materials and time giving a cd to someone unless you are fairly sure they will actually listen.

v. avoid folks that make your job harder. sometimes people gum up the works, even when they have a smile on their face. you'll get more done the less of this type you deal with. when you ask someone a direct question and they go into a convoluted story about something else, get ready for the hassle.

w. we are all blessed with different talents. this is as it should be. don't be upset with someone that doesn't have your talent for something, and don't feel bad because someone else got some talent that you think you want. move towards grace.

x. i have a system, where if i sense that the gig is going to get weird before i even get there, I cancel the show and walk away. in my experience, if something goes awry before you even get there, it won't magically get better if you commit a bunch of dollars and time towards it. because of this, i can't remember the last bad gig i've had. example, let's say i've booked a show next year with a person that i don't really know that well. and as time goes by, he keeps wanting to chisel away at our arrangement, or add stuff for me to do, or whine or complain about the situation, i would cancel the show. time and time again i learned that it only gets weirder and more difficult when you get there. this is better for the buyer too because then he or she doesn't have to worry about my show anymore.
if the buyer isn't really into it, or at least somewhat into it, seriously consider passing on the show.

y. have interests outside of your art. especially if you can do this on a non-performance basis, where you can just enjoy the activity and not analyze it to death and be real critical of your own work and stuff. it's so easy to burn out if you do one overwhelming thing for about twenty or thirty years. sometimes, i just don't play at all and don't think about work and mess around with my sailboat, or work in the yard, or something. ride the motorcycle. giving myself a break from the pass/fail mentality. i like just being a regular person.

z. think of your art as a work in progress. that takes the heat off of it having to be perfect all the time.
keep working on your art, your vision, your catalog. dedicate your work life to that, and things will work out.

okay i'm out of letters.

[these are all just ideas, and you may have your own way. good. also these are different components and you have to make a sort of stew of them. maybe you have a little more of one, use a little less of the other or whatever it takes to make it come out right. i've made all these mistakes myself in the trial and error process, which is a fine way of doing things except for the error part.]

barnes

2009-12-31T12:35:00.000-08:00

oh lordy.

grahm, michelle, heather, taylor, yeojin, and countless other friends that i lovvveee are all in pasadena this week for the stupid rose bowl.

HATE IT.

how frustrating that the 2 weeks i could actually hang out with them... they swap me places for the one place i AM 3/4ths of the year.

BLAh.

tired.

2009-12-30T19:11:00.000-08:00

"hmm i wonder if this is too abstract for a suicide note.."

i wish teenagers would hurry up and realize that liking moustaches, fixies and ankle boots, high waisted things, weird instruments and books... slash cocaine, cigarettes, alcohol... what have you...

is not new.

you aren't original.

just like what you like and like what YOU like.

and we'll all like you more for it.

spins in my new apron for josh to see

2009-12-28T16:59:00.000-08:00

i miss my stylish friend.

1. color

2. black and white... and hilariously graceful ALMOST fall

bahahaa...

oh jeeze emily.

i actually REALLY love the jumping picture... and if it weren't of myself i'd probably use it for some art work.

i miss being a roomie.

2009-12-27T00:51:00.000-08:00

on jane austen.

2009-12-26T01:27:00.001-08:00

"what is she doing!?!"

"writing."

"well can anything be done about it!?!"

i love her.

2009-12-25T23:32:00.001-08:00

love being home.

i love my bed.

i love my books in their piles around my room.

i love my families conversations.

i love how ariel is the authority in my family.

i love my dad's jokes.

he's hilarious.

i love my mom's sincerity.

i love micah's tenderness.... he spun me in the kitchen 3 times and no one saw. they were all making dinner.

it was adorable.

i love our silly things we enjoy, like the classical station, skinny and sparse christmas trees, harmonies at the piano, chocolate, warm tones, and old movies.

i love being home.

my sister is so gosh darn cute.

2009-12-25T12:29:00.001-08:00

with her little stick legs and this large obtrusive form that causes her to walk with her back bent backwards for balance.

i love pregnant girls now.

love them.

cause i love my pretty big sister.

poets gold.

2009-12-25T03:02:00.000-08:00

thank God for good poetry.

my favorite christmas gift by FAR was a winning compilation of Keat's poems.

its a beautiful hardback that i WILL keep for my library.

rarely do i really approve of my family's attempted contributions to my collection but this is a great find that i'm super pleased about.

around 2:30 this morning i read some keats. then decided i was in the mood for shelley... changed my mind and reverted to Leonora Speyer.

Good Lord id forgotten how much i love her.

i always TRY and love the classical poets... but that era escapes me.

i just GET her.

she's perfect.

i think i'm going to attach one of her poems to my oxford application.

as a cover page...

its one of my favorites, and reading it tonight made me realize how well it applied to that dream of mine.

so i'll leave you with this, and a Merry Christmas to you all.

Measure Me, Sky
by Leonora Speyer

Measure me, sky!
Tell me I reach by a song
Nearer the stars:
I have been little so long.
Weigh me, high wind!
What will your wild scales record?
Profit of pain,
Joy by the weight of a word.
Horizon, reach out!
Catch at my hands, stretch me taut,
Rim of the world:
Widen my eyes by a thought.
Sky, be my depth;
Wind, be my width and my height;
World, my heart's span:
Loneliness, wings for my flight!

in the 60's

2009-12-23T02:27:00.000-08:00

peter o'tool was hot.

and when i say hot i mean DAMN FINE.

Mother Teresa

2009-12-23T00:57:00.000-08:00

"Dearest Lord, though you hide yourself behind the unattractive disguise of the irritable, the exacting, and the unreasonable, may I still recognize you and say: 'Jesus, how sweet it is
to serve you.' "
(In the silence of the Heart)

should i cut my hair or let it grow?

2009-12-22T00:28:00.000-08:00

what do you think lovely readers?

0h,

emily.

Jesus the Word.

2009-12-18T23:46:00.000-08:00

i think the reason i'm a christian... is that my heart resounds deeply with stories.

and the story of God through Jesus... is more beautiful than any i could ever imagine...

more beautiful than any i've ever heard elsewhere...

repetition.

2009-12-16T20:59:00.000-08:00

today my faults were again voiced to me by a close friend.

the same faults i've been trying to overcome for the past 4 years of my life.

things i don't realize i'm doing.

it just sorta sucks.

it keeps people from being my friends.

but its also directly tied to some of the things i like the most about myself...

so how do i change them?

oxford.

2009-12-16T12:54:00.000-08:00

i feel like a hole was punched through my chest.

i have a C in CLFM....

for keeps...

not as a joke because my professor hadn't put in 3/4 of our grades...

i missed 2 reading reflections throughout the semester... and it brought my grade down to a C...

i don't even understand how you could have your class weighted in that fashion... how unreasonable...

i got a B on my midterm...

i'm one of the most participatory students.

i did our entire Local/ Global need project on my own... literally NO ONE in my group did anything... i even had to email them a script so they would know what to say when they saw the powerpoint slides that they were assigned...

furthermore... there were quite a few words they mispronounced...

because unfortunately i didn't have the time to send them a recording of my voice READING them the script.

and i'm getting a C.

I have a 97 in Greek. I took two 400 level classes as a freshman and recieved A's...

and i have a C in CLFM.

a CLFM class that required NO PAPERS.

i don't even understand.

but what hurts so much...

is that i probably can't get into the Oxford program now.

which is why i chose APU.

i have wanted to go to Oxford since I was little....

and now the most likely opportunity to get me there... EVEN in settling for going for only a semester... i probably can't get in.

i know its my fault.

its no ones but my own.

my mom says she respects it... its my curse and my blessing.

i have a problem with the educational system in America.

i've been getting into tiffs with teachers since the 6th grade.

I can't bring myself to respect the jumping through hoops some teachers have you do.

If a teacher loves what they do... and asks me to spend tedious hours reading something i don't enjoy... ill do it..

but if they seem to not even value the class in which i find myself, if they care more about your header than whether you have written a smash-ass paper... i can't respect them.

my mother calls them bean counters.

being the daughter of two amaazing educators i just can't handle people who don't work hard at their job. who don't seem to think about what is the best way to get people to LEARN.

who would rather make a test thats easy for them to grade than one that allows students to best show their knowledge.

so i may not go to oxford.

i've never felt so in tune with my dad than now.

i'm so incredibly disapointed.

but if i don't get in...

ill apply for spring semester.

2009-12-15T19:24:00.000-08:00

i have an A+ in Greek.

I have a C- in clfm.

there is a strangeness about my grades.

hard classes i do super well in...

but in easy classes with 3 assignments i just can't find success.

Crystmas.

2009-12-14T22:50:00.000-08:00

http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/science/a72f/?source=google_toys&cpg=ogty1

i asked for this.

i actually have this fantasy of my room being filled with crystals. and then me in my billowy white cloud bed by my window admiring them all.

Yonder.

2009-12-14T21:42:00.001-08:00

If anybody asks you
Where I'm going
Where I'm going soon

So if you want to know
Where I'm going?
Where I'm going, soon

I'm goin' up yonder
I'm goin' up yonder
I'm goin' up yonder
To be with my Lord

If I can take the pain
The heartache that it brings
There's comfort that in knowing
I'll soon be home

As God gives me grace
I'll run this race
And soon Ill see my Savior
Face to face

I'm goin' up yonder
I'm goin' up yonder
I'm goin' up yonder
To be with my Lord

I'm goin' up yonder
I'm goin' up yonder
I'm goin' up yonder
To be with my Lord

the best.

2009-12-12T18:59:00.003-08:00

“Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, a touch that never hurts.”

― Charles Dickens

the best.

2009-12-12T18:59:00.001-08:00

“Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, a touch that never hurts.”

― Charles Dickens

this weekends impossible possibilities.

2009-12-12T12:17:00.001-08:00

To be done:

1. watch UP with Josh and Skyler

2. greek sentences study with Alle

3. print CLFM study guide

4. print travelocity info

5. figure final

6. choose pieces for figure final critique

7. 4 faces 4 races project

8. new genre video

9. pick up sausage - GIRLS MIMOSA BREAKFAST

10.clfm study guide with brooke

11. 4 faces 4 races project

12. 6 hour drawing project

13. greek sentences- vocabulary

GREEK FINAL

CLFM FINAL

14. 6 hour project

15. get white elephant gift

drive to kent's house- NEW GENRE FINAL

FIGURE DRAWING FINAL

16. sculpture project

SCULPTURE FINAL

17. andrea's christmas gift

18. everyones christmas gifts

19. pack

20. send home a box of stuff

21. pack

22. coffee- elli, josh, brittany, paige

Throw Shit Breaks.

2009-12-08T22:21:00.000-08:00

I know I can create good art when i'm in this mood.

i feel like a shaken bottle.

if i start talking before my pen hits the paper.. before my fingers touch the keys... before my foot kicks a tree trunk... before my hand throws the jar...

ill just yell Fuck and it will all be gone in one broken note.

i went for a walk after putting my laundry in.

i couldn't get cold enough.

i didn't wear a bra.

i ground my teeth.

i couldn't stomp hard enough i couldn't stomp.

i went and sat on the edge of the sidewalk outside the gate and just sat and threw shit into the road.

im sorry i'm swearing in my post but i just wanna bite something and this is as close as i can get.

i get why people smoke.

in some ways they are brilliant about it.

i envy them.

they leave whatever they are doing several times throughout the day and are just ... alone.

they just sit by themselves on sidewalks and smoke.

they just lean on rails and smoke.

i just wanted to throw shit.

i picked up little blades of grass and threw them into the road. I tore them up with my fingers and added bits of wet muddy leaves to my piles...

confetti.

i wanted to be alone.

I WANTED TO BE OUT ON THE ONE DAY OF THE YEAR WHEN A PERSON GETS TO BE REALLY ALONE THE DAY IT SNOWS IN PORTLAND AND EVERYONES LEFT THE FUCKING HOUSE AND I GO OUTSIDE AND TURN OFF THE LIGHTS IN THE HOUSE SO ITS TOTALLY DARK IN MY BACKYARD.

I WALK AROUND IN THE SNOW. ITS SO QUIET THEN AND I WANT TO BE DOING THAT.

then i come inside and theres still nobody home to spoil it so i sit down at the piano and touch the keys with pink bone fingers.

i expect my manner of playing to be choppy like my fingers feel... what else could they possibly produce... but instead i get simple, telling, melody lines that ill never hear again.

no body will hear them.

and then my fingers warm up and the notes slur into mush.

these are two vignettes that tell the same story.

faucet.

2009-12-08T21:19:00.001-08:00

i let the faucet drip because i want to be a brilliant.

idea.

2009-12-08T21:13:00.000-08:00

i had an idea tonight for an installation in Duke.

i want to collect old windows... like the glass inside of the frame.

i want them hung in the air at different heights all throughout.

i want it to be dark in there...

only one light.

shining down like a spotlight on the ground in the middle.

youll be able to see the windows... hanging around you but it will be eerie.

i want to do this.

Time

2009-12-08T21:08:00.001-08:00

I have to pick myself up.

I have to do things that make me feel outside of my skin.

I pretend.

I enjoy watching people live lives I can’t live.

I pretend.

Books line the walls of Reese’s house.

Sisters play the piano for you while you sift through your dead aunts heirlooms in the attic. She kept all her pencils for you.

Scarves form shapes while they fall from the top of the stairs to the ground floor where I stand, next to you… blinking at your buttonless cuff.

Tear at my skin.

Pull at my hair

Eat of my bones.

Pick at my flesh.

I’m a faded scrap of urine soaked cloth.

And I want to grow whole.

Grinding teeth melt my eardrums and metal moves like water in my mouth.

I swallow.

Crouching. Our tabby laps up its milk.

Why does the tabby get the only positive attention in this shithole of a house.

Ill sow you a button on your cuff tomorrow when I have some time.

I WONDER AS I WANDER

2009-12-05T22:32:00.001-08:00

I wonder as I wander out under the sky,
How Jesus the Savior did come for to die.
For ordinary people like you and like I...
I wonder as I wander out under the sky.

When Mary birthed Jesus 'twas in a cow's stall,
With wise men and farmers and shepherds and all.
But high from God's heaven a star's light did fall,
And the promise of ages it then did recall.

If Jesus had wanted for any wee thing,
A star in the sky, or a bird on the wing,
Or all of God's angels in heav'n for to sing,
He surely could have it, 'cause he was the King.

my church put out a christmas cd last year and it was amazing.

Josh White of Telecast leads worship there and of course he sang...

you can download it HERE: http://www.ajesuschurch.org/ministry/music

I Wonder as I Wander is my favorite christmas song... and on this cd i love THAT one and The Friendly Beasts

if you like music at all...

christmas...

and jesus...

download.

THE HOUSE.

2009-11-29T18:48:00.000-08:00

houses are around before we inhabit them.

they set the scene for the act.

pemberley, southerton, mansfield...

ahhhh ahahhhhhhhhehehhhh (sorry i'm listening to sleepyhead and singing along)

cue super grandi part in the middle of the song...

my house is an attic.

i always describe it as such..

its like... this adorable mash-up of items my mother cares about... slash finds beautiful...

theres lots of skeleton keys...

renaissance art and waterhouse paintings..

warm and golden tones...

our couches don't match one bit.

we USE an antique oil lamp and candles at night to actually guide us to our destination.

we have one shower.

i live in the corner.

i live in the corner of a corner...

on the corner of filbert and saltzman my bedroom (haha theres an ant on my keyboard... now on my finger! )

i live there.

my bed is in the corner of my corner room.

i have 2 windows.

on either side of me bed.

my bedroom is very cold because of this.

when i was younger i had a relationship of fear with a tree outside of my window.

there is a witches face that can be observed at night in winter. when the branches are bare.

i like to leave my curtains open.

because dark branches against open sky is one definition of beauty... and i want to be familiar with all definitions of beauty.

when i was all ages i like to enjoy the swirl of cars on my walls.

cars drive down saltzman and the lights begin on my north wall... they move slowly towards down the west wall and speed up as they near the south.

then the car is gone.

it doesn't look so much as light on my wall as it is the effect of light on my trees and bushes outside...

i have trees that swirl on my walls.

branches.

like i said bare branches against a night sky are a definition of beauty.

but there is also the facsimile of branches shadows upon my wall.

There isn't much that I feel I need
A solid soul and the blood I bleed
But with a little girl, and by my spouse,
I only want a proper house

I don't care for fancy things
Or to take part in the freshest wave,
But to provide for mine who ask
I will, with heart, on my father's grave

On my father's grave
(On your father's grave)

I don't mean to seem like I
Care about material things,
Like a social status,
I just want
Four walls and adobe slats
For my girls

ohhh my word.

2009-11-27T22:42:00.001-08:00

focus films... you never disappoint.

undeniable.

2009-11-23T09:52:00.000-08:00

THAT STACHE.

eesh..

2009-11-23T09:40:00.001-08:00

i've got to be on chapel probation...

i've missed SO MANY.

but i can't check my email cause my password got changed and i dont know it...

and its getting out of hand.

i need to stop sleeping in!

installation

2009-11-23T01:40:00.000-08:00

go see my piece in the Duke Alumni Hallway tomorrow!

here's the artist statement i wrote up for the occasion.

perched next to it is one of the marshburn vintage catalogue cards that reads : THE NEW ROOF.

UNDER THE BED

Emily Ables & Jessie Duncan

Under the bed there are monsters. There are dreams, fortresses and hideouts. We fill the crannies with our treasures and cling to the beams as though they are that of a swaying ship. We went under the bed as children with the purpose of creating new worlds, believing that one day we would be big enough to reign in them. How do we now, then, rediscover those beautiful worlds, those truths, when we are too big to fit under the bed?

When we are alone we discover what is sacred.

Sometimes the monster we are most afraid of is our being alone.

Go under your bed.

jigs.

2009-11-22T16:19:00.000-08:00

thing e.m.a. jigs

1. mosque last week: don't remember if i wrote about this... but i went to a mosque with josh last week. ratio of 600 muslim men to 1 christian girl.

my finger started to bleed in the middle of the service. i was in the front row.

i applied pressure... and pretended i didn't know what was going on.

the people there were so beautiful though...

very gracious..

causing me to think about christianity and what it is that we saw about other religions...

we should not discount other religions for anything but the fact that i do not believe they are the truth.

we need not come up with generalized beliefs on how a whole religion treats women, sees white people or social class.

2. orthodox church: lovely.

i'm going to feed my interest in iconography.

i want to read about the orthodox church and discover whether i want to be protestant or not.

it doesn't REALLY matter... but i do love orthodox christianity in a reverent way verses protestantism in a liberal way which is worth looking into.

i want to start incorporating iconography and what has always interested me in typology into my artwork.

more so than i do already...

i of course use metaphors... but it would be interesting to use preformed metaphors that hold such meaning for the church.

i like the idea of Mary as the archetype for the ark of the covenant.

the carrier of the Word.

and i like this explanation because it sheds light on what has always mystified me...

the strange reverence for Mary...

i've always dismissed it.

but when you think of Mary as the Jews thought of the Ark of the Covenant... it makes sense that the congregation would view her as the beautiful vessel that they do.

i want to understand my misperceptions... what do they REALLY think versus what have i always THOUGHT they think....

something evil inside of me

2009-11-21T13:40:00.001-08:00

wishes good music DID discriminate.

i wish it lept out of computers and headphones and grabbed people and yelled... YOU DONT UNDERSTAND SO YOU CANT LISTEN TO ME.

in fact i wish most things did this...

but duh on the other hand... i wouldn't have been able to... would not be able to... listen to lots of my music.

neverending story.

2009-11-19T21:37:00.000-08:00

when artax dies i cry.

BAHAHAHAHAA...

2009-11-19T18:49:00.000-08:00

k so anyone wanna see what i looked like sophomore year of shigh school?

its sorta hilarious.

back in my safe scene kid days... good lord.

i dont' want you to think i was active... but i was sort of a dressing hipster.

its retarded.

but hilarious.

the pics are filled with ENNUI so brace yourself.

like no joke i have dashboard confessional for captions.

SO PRECIOUS.

baahahahahaaa.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/brown_swallow/page11/

wow.

don't make fun TOO hard. i WAS 15... youre somewhat entitled?

...no

things i'd like in december.

2009-11-19T18:17:00.000-08:00

my mother is going to let me lose her film SLR camera for my photo class :) super fun.

that saves us quite a bit of money.

on my christmas list so far i've asked for:

tights: earth tones (all the bright ones are covered)

mid calf dress socks in similar hues + white/black

powells gift card please

ulock for bike

acrylics

3 paint brushes

Arrested Development Season 1

goodwill gift cards

2009-11-17T09:03:00.000-08:00

i really like this concept of pauls:

"to them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.

We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ.

To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me.

the 16th of the psalmist.

2009-11-16T15:57:00.001-08:00

keep me safe, o God,

for in you I take refuge.

i said to the Lord, "you are my lord;

apart from you I have no good thing."

as for the saints who are in the land,

they are the glorious ones in whom

is all my delight.

The sorrows of those will increase who run after other gods.

I will not pour out their libations of blood

or take up their names on my lips.

Lord, you have assigned me my portion

and my cup:

you have made my lot secure.

the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

surely I have a delightful inheritance.

I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;

even at night my heart instructs me.

I have set the Lord always before me.

Because he is at my right hand,

I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;

my body also will rest secure,

because you will not abandon me to the grave,

nor will you let your Holy One see decay.

You have made known to me the path of life;

you will fill me with joy in your presence,

with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

thank you. i love you. help me see you.

headbands.

2009-11-12T22:53:00.000-08:00

i used to think headbands were a waist... i never got into them until last year...

now i feel like i wear one almost every day.

i want to make a sort of business of them.

make delightful individual ones for each of my friends.

my mother and my sister.

and duplicates for me. me. me.

ribbons.

bows.

feathers.

shells.

buttons.

wings.

fabric.

gaps.

2009-11-12T22:43:00.000-08:00

i love things that make people special and different.

love them.

teeth have more character than almost any part of a persons body for me.

i LOVE them.

i love to draw them and stare at them...

and yet everyone gets braces...

certainly the majority of people find this attractive.

but ill say this: if you have a gap... LEAVE IT. they are gorgeous.

i want to get back to my collections.

2009-11-12T18:27:00.000-08:00

classic books.

the highest priority.

after that is aprons.

following is objects FROM books:

two white elephants.

skipping rope.

lockets.

bird cage.

carp.

acorns.

bow and arrow.

marbles.

skeleton keys.

etc.

collecting things is a completely irrational waste of money. and it makes more sense to me than a lot of things.

theres something very animal about it. HOARDING. selfishness... making certain other people don't get a bit of it...

you rationalize by convincing yourself and others you are saving these items... and certainly you are in some ways.

but what made you start collecting them?

it was FINDING them...

the discovery of something alone.

that was just so wonderful you wanted it...

and you want many of them...

i have a savior complex when it comes to items.

bahaha...

2009-11-10T01:52:00.000-08:00

showalter you devil.

songs.

2009-11-06T10:57:00.000-08:00

this is a list of songs that i should be OVER by now... but i'm not

creeper : islands

i believe in you:yacht

saturday waits: loney, dear

fisher of men: m. ward

i've got your number:passion pit

each year: ra ra riot

florida: starfucker/pyramiddd

oxford comma: vampire weekend

que toi: wintermitts

summerland: the woodlands

idk WHY i like them.

but great... there you have it.

Top 5 Love Songs by The Mountain Goats

2009-11-05T17:59:00.000-08:00

5. Going to Queens

L0ve for him...it's his lady coming out of a shower, dripping wet, while kids outside on the street are jumping rope and singing songs. Something singularly beautiful happens in that moment and the lover becomes "all [he] ever wanted", "all [he'd] ever need".

4. Broom People

A beautiful story that causes me to dismiss my reason for dismissing as cliche the story of boys who get beat-up on the schoolyard and the girls who love them.

"good reasons to freeze to death."

3. Going to Georgia

This song is raw and desperate. its a i'm horrible and destructive but youre softly saving me.

"Two big hands and a heart pumping blood and a 1967 Colt .45 with a busted safety catch" is one of the most terrifying yet beautiful images I can think of.

2.International Small Arms Traffic Blues

The entire album of Tallahassee should be on this list. It should be required reading for high school students. This sort of love is the destructive love that you can't describe as pretty or lovely. Its a watch-the-hell-out, I-will-take-you-down-with-me love that has no respect or regard for anything but its own consummatory force. The cutesy-at-first-glance similes are the hook of this song ("our love is like the border between Greece and Albania", obviously), but is there anything that sums this album up better than the bitter-and-yet-disarming admission "the way I feel about you, baby, can't explain it / you've got the best of my love"?

1. There Will Be No Divorce

this song is incredibly beautiful.

and its the reason why i don't know how to explain them.... John Darnielle is cramming poetry into EVERY line and his songs are so short but full.

its going to be perfectly alright.

if you don't like them...

you don't like poetry and thats a damn shame.

stirred.

2009-11-04T01:40:00.000-08:00

i am boy crazy

and ultra lazy.

andrea and i have fun at night before bed.

love these goofy times.

every christian should adhere to this.

2009-11-02T15:30:00.000-08:00

Extract from “An Address to the Clergy”, by John Wesley (AD 1756)

Let us each seriously examine himself (or herself). Have I,

(1.) Such a knowledge of Scripture, as becomes him who undertakes so to explain it to others, that it may be a light in all their paths? Have I a full and clear view of the analogy of faith, which is the clue to guide me through the whole? Am I acquainted with the several parts of Scripture; with all parts of the Old Testament and the New? Upon the mention of any text, do I know the context, and the parallel places...

(2.) Do I understand Greek and Hebrew? Otherwise, how can I undertake, (as every Minister does,) not only to explain books which are written therein, but to defend them against all opponents? Am I not at the mercy of every one who does understand, or even pretends to understand, the original? For which way can I confute his pretence? Do I understand the language of the Old Testament? critically? at all? Can I read into English one of David's Psalms; or even the first chapter of Genesis? Do I understand the language of the New Testament? Am I a critical master of it? Have I enough of it even to read into English the first chapter of St. Luke? If not, how many years did I spend at school? How many at the University? And what was I doing all those years? Ought not shame to cover my face?

(3.) Do I understand my own office? Have I deeply considered before God the character which I bear? What is it to be an Ambassador of Christ, an Envoy from the King of heaven? And do I know and feel what is implied in "watching over the souls" of men "as he that must give account?"

(4.) Do I understand so much of profane history as tends to confirm and illustrate the sacred? Am I acquainted with the ancient customs of the Jews and other nations mentioned in Scripture? Have I a competent knowledge of chronology, that at least which refers to the sacred writings? And am I so far (if no farther) skilled in geography, as to know the situation, and give some account, of all the considerable places mentioned therein?

(5.) Am I a tolerable master of the sciences? Have I gone through the very gate of them, logic? If not, I am not likely to go much farther, when I stumble at the threshold. Do I understand it so as to be ever the better for it? to have it always ready for use; so as to apply every rule of it, when occasion is, almost as naturally as I turn my hand? Do I understand it at all? ... Am I master of the mathematical A B C of Euclid's Elements? If I have not gone thus far, if I am such a novice still, what have I been about ever since I came from school?

(6.) Am I acquainted with the Fathers; at least with those venerable men who lived in the earliest ages of the Church? Have I read over and over the golden remains of Clemens Romanus, of Ignatius and Polycarp; and have I given one reading, at least, to the works of Justin Martyr, Tertullian, Origen, Clemens Alexandrinus, and Cyprian?

(7.) Have I any knowledge of the world? Have I studied men, (as well as books,) and observed their tempers, maxims, and manners? Have I learned to beware of men; to add the wisdom of the serpent to the innocence of the dove? Has God given me by nature, or have I acquired, any measure of the discernment of spirits...

If I am wanting even in these lowest endowments, shall I not frequently regret the want?

made this.

2009-11-01T01:13:00.000-07:00

triangles in space triangles in space.

this is a picture i like from open mic night last spring.

im czech... sort of.

i'm actually bohemian.

but now that country is a part of the Czechoslovakia which is a part of the czech republic now.

mic check? czech czech.

triangles in space triangles in space.

high satch. and screenage.

i hate graphic design.

i toss it around.

also: in case you haven't seen this one...

its really only sposed to be between me and my close roommate.

i don't really use this language ever so i dont want you to think of me in that way...

but its just toooo funny.

so i'm loading it on here.

in case you didn't know.

we redid part of the landscape our first weekend here.

and this is the only evidence.

today is hallo

2009-10-31T17:02:00.001-07:00

im going to be a fox for halloween tonight.

but currently i'm curled up in the corner of my bed studying greek.

and its killing me.

listening to Pancho and Lefty: bob dylan

just bought my horse feathers / loch lomond ticket

need to get mountain goats... but i can't til someone else will go with me cause im self concious. :(

good lord i've so much to study.

also: i think going to APU makes you some sort of exotic liberal to LIFE PACIFIC kids. just sayin.

daft.

2009-10-31T01:55:00.000-07:00

i love strange men.

listening: to loch lomond: tic

I AM NOT AN ANIMAL HE CRIED.

confession: i bought king kong today for $3.50.

confession: i told someone i bought king kong today for $1.50. this was because i thought they might find it a slightly more justifiable purchase than it was in truth.

in truth...

i just love adrien brody.

and the trees of my wood weep sap when they see his love for the heroine in this film.

its stupid i know.

but i don't get sappy over the normal romance films. obviously i need a t-rex / gorilla fight scene to awaken that part of my hArt.

sing out sing out.

2009-10-30T19:14:00.001-07:00

Lord,

you know those who are sore stricken and heavy of heart.

As their days,

so let their strength be.

Heal the sick, comfort the weary, succor the tempted, give peace to the dying and light at eventide....

Watch over us who are still in our dangerous voyage, and remember such as lie exposed to the rough storms of trouble and temptations.

Frail is our vessel, and the ocean is wide; but as in your mercy you have set our course, so steer the vessel of our life toward the everlasting shore of peace, and bring us at length to the quiet haven of our heart's desire, where you, O our God, are blessed, and live and reign for ever and ever. [Amen] ~St. Augustine

3 days.

2009-10-30T19:11:00.000-07:00

i had a love who bore me home.

bahahahahahaaaaaa.

2009-10-29T01:17:00.001-07:00

http://www.techcrunch.com/2009/10/28/schwarzenegger-gives-california-legislature-a-hidden-finger/

the pains of sleep: coleridge

2009-10-28T00:30:00.000-07:00

Ere on my bed my limbs I lay,
It hath not been my use to pray
With moving lips or bended knees
But silently, by slow degrees,
My spirit I to Love compose,
In humble trust mine eye-lids close,
With reverential resignation,
No wish conceived, no thought exprest,
Only a sense of supplication ;
A sense o'er all my soul imprest
That I am weak, yet not unblest,
Since in me, round me, every where
Eternal Strength and Wisdom are.

But yester-night I prayed aloud
In anguish and in agony,
Up-starting from the fiendish crowd
Of shapes and thoughts that tortured me :
A lurid light, a trampling throng,
Sense of intolerable wrong,
And whom I scorned, those only strong !
Thirst of revenge, the powerless will
Still baffled, and yet burning still !
Desire with loathing strangely mixed
On wild or hateful objects fixed.
Fantastic passions ! maddening brawl !
And shame and terror over all !
Deeds to be hid which were not hid,
Which all confused I could not know
Whether I suffered, or I did :
For all seemed guilt, remorse or woe,
My own or others still the same
Life-stifling fear, soul-stifling shame.

So two nights passed : the night's dismay
Saddened and stunned the coming day.
Sleep, the wide blessing, seemed to me
Distemper's worst calamity.
The third night, when my own loud scream
Had waked me from the fiendish dream,
O'ercome with sufferings strange and wild,
I wept as I had been a child ;
And having thus by tears subdued
My anguish to a milder mood,
Such punishments, I said, were due
To natures deepliest stained with sin,--
For aye entempesting anew
The unfathomable hell within,
The horror of their deeds to view,
To know and loathe, yet wish and do !
Such griefs with such men well agree,
But wherefore, wherefore fall on me ?
To be beloved is all I need,
And whom I love, I love indeed.

klimt has become real popular.sad

2009-10-26T01:11:00.001-07:00

i have never super been into him....

but andrea likes The Kiss best of all art.

so its up in our room.

and i like it.

he seems to be growing more and more mainstream every day though... which is always saddening to me.

because it usually means people say they like something without reason...

they've never STARED at something.

i'm sick of people trying.

Just Being is the way to go.

stop loving things simply because you think people will find you cool or funny for it... love it because you love it.

shed light on the unknown beautiful things that way.

sleep.

MAN ON WIFE.

2009-10-26T00:57:00.000-07:00

(HAHA i typed that wrong... but we'll keep it that way:)

man on wire.

i am not sure about the pumpkin patch.

i have been petitioning for this for some time however... and i'd like this to be the weekend if you don't mind.

like natalie said.

2009-10-25T20:34:00.000-07:00

i really like these people i've been hanging out with every once in a while.

i enjoy making new friends.

and we have been havin some good times...

it always drives me crazy when people have to be DOING something to have fun.

i have the most fun when i'm just sipping something and talking to people.

now if i can find some people to listen to a reading of Rilke and then stillness after.

THAT will be the telling point.

Did God Make Evil?

2009-10-24T23:55:00.000-07:00

Faustus: Who made thee?

Mephisopheles: God; as the light makes the shadow.

Faustus: Is God, then, evil?

Mephistopheles: God is only light,

And in the heart of light no shadow standeth.

Nor can I dwell within the light of heaven,

Where God is all.

Faustus: What art thou Mephistopheles?

Mephistopheles: I am the price that all things pay for being,

The shadow on the world, thrown by the world

Stnading in its own light, which light God is.

-Dorothy Sayers, The Devil to Pay

for my walls.

2009-10-24T14:54:00.000-07:00

i need frames.

cause i've wanted these up for so long.

and i'm growing impatient with the sterile feeling of our houses walls.

also: i need lunch.

but we've no food.

i want to watch The Railway Children (E. Nesbit for Masterpiece Theater)

i am listening to Animal Collective My Girls

i currently miss Dan Self more than anybody from home.

i wanna go to the studio... but its soooo far away.

i'm going to read my Dorothy Sayers chapter.

then natalie and i are making a salad!

then going to peter and mitch's for dinner.

THEN MUSIC EXCHANGE at zephyr coffee house.

which will be fun.

i want to watch man on wire though... and if that could happen... i would like it.

friday..

2009-10-23T23:34:00.001-07:00

home alone:)

mansfield park.

sowed a skirt and now working on a shirt.

itll be nice to crawl into bed be alone.

today i collected catalogue cards at the marshburn.

here are some of my favorites.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2022852&id=1450380071&page=2

but i have 500 of them ... well i'm short 1 card.

but how would kent EVER know that?

unless he reads my blog.

watched mansfield park and the notebook.

andrea went home this weekend.

my other 2 roommates aren't back and its 3. i don't quite understand.

i've been crafting away and now i'm going to go to bed.

the dreamers.

talks.

2009-10-23T10:31:00.000-07:00

last night andrea and i were up until 4 talking in our beds.

i slept in through greek.

basically we were just discussing all thats been going down in our house that we don't know how to deal with...

sara getting married in a manner that is so lacking romance and beauty and the Lord.

nancy partying every weekend and her friends being complete gossips.

the state of the house and how difficult it is to clean the kitchen for 2 hours only to have someone come in and cook food cause they are bored... then proceed to leave dishes all over the place.

the frustration we have over sara's lack of relationship with Jesus right now and her settling in all areas.

how hard it is to come home and feel the contrast of how much fun we have with other people and how boring their lives are.... seeping in... infecting where we live.

our dreams for life, our education, the men we marry, the jobs we succeed in, the countries we travel to, the art we like, the music we enjoy...

they are just so much more developed.

we know who we are.

we acknowledge we are still growing but... we know who we are.

sara and nancy have no idea... they are still experimenting.

and it was a frustrating conversation... how do we talk to them about this...

i DONT like being home right now.

so then i slept in through greek and proceeded to get up and have my quiet time in the living room.

and God just struck me with the realization that we've become so obsessed and distracted by their lack of cleanliness that we haven't been concerned with the bigger issues.

Our battles are not of flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world.

i've been so preoccupied with the simple "lunch" as Screwtape would call it... that i haven't seen the salvation God wants to bring these girls.

Our Father Below has just been distracting me with this cleaning thing and allowing me to get so annoyed and worked up about it that i haven't cared one bit about the fact that

MY GOD IS POWERFUL ENOUGH TO GET SARA OUT OF THIS MESS.

MY GOD IS JUST AND RIGHTEOUS ENOUGH TO HELP NANCY OUT WITH HER MONEY.

they aren't too far gone into their dark pits of being for Jesus to reach down and pull them out.

God give me the peace, gentleness, serenity and love to ENJOY these girls and to pray for them earnestly.... seeking what YOUR best for them would be.

and let them know that this is how i feel about them.

cieling wax.

2009-10-22T12:07:00.001-07:00

went to watch the meteor shower last night...

ended in a wild things pile.

i made a donkey like gasp when madsen's hand covered my face.

and very few sky candles blew out last night.

figure drawing and painting tonight.

2009-10-21T23:08:00.000-07:00

the art department in a nutshell.

in class around 10:15... we've been intensely drawing for hours...

listening to ben gibbard while transitioning from dry to wet media.

everyone singing along while we work on our own pieces...

a gentle chorus in the big echo-y white room...

lost in our own hands and paper.

i look up and the model is tapping her toe and snapping the fingers behind her back to the song...

it was so adorable.

all of us singing along to death cab and the model enjoying it too...

just this unity of middle aged art loving free people...

and young people with their music.

all just enjoying each others company and the filling of that room with dear sweet love.

MOST FUN DAY OF MY LIFE.

2009-10-21T23:00:00.000-07:00

ONE BAM! waking up without an alarm and YET AGAIN not being late to greek.

SLAMMIN TWO! presentation in clfm going swimmingly.

WHABAM! three! academic advising...

my classes are:

Photo 1 with Kent

Greek II with Alice

History of the Philosophy of ART (whabbaaaam amazing class)

General Epistles with Hauge (WHA BAM! amazing amazing amazing)

Painting and Drawing II with Guy (duhhh)

i only have one class mondays and fridays...

1 class starts at 9:45.

the rest around 1.

none of them go past 4:20 :)

so yeahhhhh

oh and i forgot.

NOT.

4. MAY TERM IN LONDON! wooohooooo! photo II and history of modern art in londoooon.

soooo cool.

ok.

meteor shower time!

processing.

2009-10-19T00:25:00.000-07:00

does God take an active role in natural disasters?

are they his fault?

are they a punishment?

i don't want them to be his fault... but if they aren't and he allows them to go on i don't like that either.

i believe that God is in control of everything.

that he can do whatever he flippin wants.

that he is the center of our universe and the sun shines because of him and starfish continue to regenerate their limbs for the GLORRRRYY of God.

i also believe he has it in his power to force me to be perfect. but he doesnt seem to do that.

he has allowed us to make bad choices as well as good.

and people make a lot of bad choices.

that is what evil is.

me not choosing God's Goodness.

because of this choice in everybody theres a lot of bad stuff in the world. some of it we do to ourselves... but a lot of it happens to other people.

i won't say "innocent people" because i don't really believe anyone is innocent... (though i do wrestle with this when it comes to the simple minded or infantile).

but bad things do happen to everyone.

some things are infuriating because of the magnitude.

a child starving when the world produces enough food for everyone on its face to have 4 meals a day. that pisses me off.

but natural disasters...

those aren't really my fault are they?

they just happen.

not all christians think so...

it seems that time and time again christians are reported as saying that such and such a natural disaster is God's punishment on those people for their sin.

others say its happening to test us.

2nd first.

TEST WHO exactly? how do i benefit from the TRIAL of a natural disaster... i've never been in one... are they testing the dying child? the soul inside the crushed body of a widow?

i don't think so...

A weirder question: Does God test people who don't profess Jesus as Lord? unbelievers? does he put THEM through trials?

because i always thought it was to strengthen our faith...

1st now.

how can christians say this. do we not know God well enough to know that you cannot make statements about him like this? what if it ISNT a punishment... well then you look pretty foolish...

like the people who said Hurricane Katrina was sent to New Orleans in order to wipe out the sexual promiscuity of Bourbon Street.

how strange then... that the french quarter seemed the least affected and the most quickly rebuilt ... while many church-going, jesus loving people were killed and their homes destroyed?

how foolish do you look then?

i won't say that the information in the old testament isn't disconcerting for my argument...

i do however believe that God does work differently now.

1. God never changes.

2. humankind changes over and over and if God's constantly seeking to teach these changing people who he is... he'd better do it in new and different ways.

i honestly just don't see God benefiting all that much from punishing people in this way nowadays...

in the old testament it made sense ...

he had to establish how WRONG we are.

he had to show us what sin DOES.

show Israel why they needed a Savior.

cause if there is no sin there is no unworthy sacrifice in order to atone for it... and no unworthy atonement means WHY WOULD I NEED A SAVIOR IM FINE?!

do you see what i'm saying...

so now that we live under the new covenant i don't think theres as much need for God to establish this for us...

Jesus has finished the job you see?

to be continued...

i'm watching the bbc.

sunday afternoon.

2009-10-18T17:00:00.000-07:00

watching Almost Famous with Andrea.

drawing.

eating flatbread with hummus.

wishing i had zooey deschanel for a big sister.

Where The Wild Things Are

2009-10-17T01:11:00.000-07:00

i think i have to take a break from gold and seafoam greens and blues for a while.

also: i don't think i can see that movie again before i'm with meaghan.

i love everyone i saw it with... but it felt as though i wasn't paying correct homage to my IN REAL by not having meaghan there.

i needed to look her in the eyes and communicate without words.

i understand completely.

this movie was beautiful.

oh and i love Alex the Wild Goat.

best thing ever.

2009-10-16T15:12:00.000-07:00

andrea just saw one of our roommates come out of the bathroom with a camera clutched in her hand...

glasses slowly being removed in swift glamourous motion.

it was gold.

i'm excited to see the prof. pic change take place...

2009-10-15T20:02:00.000-07:00

to be accomplished.

1. study greek tonight PARSINGS QUIZ TOMORROW

2. read article for clfm

3.parsings quiz

4. clfm meeting during chapel

5. meet with guy

6. work on artwork for wild things

7. get tix

8. now let the wild rumpus begin!

9. hospital for nursing masks

10. new genre piece

11. greek vocab

12. clfm study for midterm

13. drawing for figure class

find time to meet with alli.

GLEE.

2009-10-15T15:49:00.000-07:00

the latest episode was so epic.

i can't even handle it.

love that show.

xoxo

an explanation of the trinity.

2009-10-14T13:17:00.000-07:00

mood: "there's too much in the world to learn and not enough time in this moment."

reading: A Severe Mercy and T.S. Eliot's The Four Quintets (as shown below)

listening: Arcade Fire "Windowsill"

To Do List:

1. MPN

2. message m/p about where the wild things are

3. sculpture idea

4. cut paper for figure:drawing/painting

5. beard beast for the show draw

6. mark out where the girls going

7. watercolor

8. pen and ink

an explanation of the trinity for those interested.

i've never found the "egg" or "ice" metaphors all that successful... just sort of lame...

and the "persons of God" explanation just leaves me people more confused...

but in my favorite book it explains it this way... and i think it is rather perfect... like everything else in there.

"Were I to write a novel...

one about living my mod and here I am walking down Cougar Walk experiencing the world wearing my favorite sweater. And lets say I make up a lot of characters, not using real people for fear of hurting their feelings. But I'm in it, and I, the character, say whatever I would say in the various situations that occur in my plot."

"what does this have to do with the Incarnation?" you ask.

"This is what I'm explaining right now, you stupid fellow," I respond with a grin.

"Don't You see? I am incarante in my book. I am out here writing it, so I'm like God the Father. But it's really me in the book, too,isn't it? So that's Jesus , the Son right? The me in the book speaks my words-and yet they are speeches that I've probably never made in real life, not having been in those situations. And yet, can't you see that it's really me?"

"Um," you say. "Yes, right. I see Go on."

"Well," I say. "All right. I'm out here being 'The Author of all things' and i'm in the book, taking part in scenes of 'drammer'. Incarnate in my book. Now, the me in the book: he's all me, isn't he? And he's all character, too, isn't he? Like the doctrine: All God and All man. It makes sense, doesn't it? And one more thing: suppose the characters run away with the story- authors are always saying that that happens. It might be necessary, whatever I had originally intended, for me to get killed - um, crucified. . . Anyhow- you see?"

"You win," You say to me, "It does make sense that way. I'll have to think about it."

"There's something else, though," I realize. " The other characters - made- up ones. Invented ones. If I invent characters, they'll all even the bad ones, have something of Emily in them, won't they? So, you see? We all have something of God in us - God's spirit- but only the One, Jesus, is God Incarnate. But God's Spirit in us. . . Well, that makes the Trinity, doesn't it? God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. Actually, I've never seen it so clearly myself. More tea?"

Fin.

T.S. Eliot The Four Quartets

2009-10-14T11:15:00.000-07:00

BUIRNT NORTON

(No. 1 of 'Four Quartets')

T.S. Eliot

Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future,
And time future contained in time past.
If all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable.
What might have been is an abstraction
Remaining a perpetual possibility
Only in a world of speculation.
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.
Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened
Into the rose-garden. My words echo
Thus, in your mind.
But to what purpose
Disturbing the dust on a bowl of rose-leaves
I do not know.
Other echoes
Inhabit the garden. Shall we follow?
Quick, said the bird, find them, find them,
Round the corner. Through the first gate,
Into our first world, shall we follow
The deception of the thrush? Into our first world.
There they were, dignified, invisible,
Moving without pressure, over the dead leaves,
In the autumn heat, through the vibrant air,
And the bird called, in response to
The unheard music hidden in the shrubbery,
And the unseen eyebeam crossed, for the roses
Had the look of flowers that are looked at.
There they were as our guests, accepted and accepting.
So we moved, and they, in a formal pattern,
Along the empty alley, into the box circle,
To look down into the drained pool.
Dry the pool, dry concrete, brown edged,
And the pool was filled with water out of sunlight,
And the lotos rose, quietly, quietly,
The surface glittered out of heart of light,
And they were behind us, reflected in the pool.
Then a cloud passed, and the pool was empty.
Go, said the bird, for the leaves were full of children,
Hidden excitedly, containing laughter.
Go, go, go, said the bird: human kind
Cannot bear very much reality.
Time past and time future
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.

Garlic and sapphires in the mud
Clot the bedded axle-tree.
The trilling wire in the blood
Sings below inveterate scars
Appeasing long forgotten wars.
The dance along the artery
The circulation of the lymph
Are figured in the drift of stars
Ascend to summer in the tree
We move above the moving tree
In light upon the figured leaf
And hear upon the sodden floor
Below, the boarhound and the boar
Pursue their pattern as before
But reconciled among the stars.

At the still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless;
Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is,
But neither arrest nor movement. And do not call it fixity,
Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards,
Neither ascent nor decline. Except for the point, the still point,
There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.
I can only say, there we have been: but I cannot say where.
And I cannot say, how long, for that is to place it in time.
The inner freedom from the practical desire,
The release from action and suffering, release from the inner
And the outer compulsion, yet surrounded
By a grace of sense, a white light still and moving,
Erhebung without motion, concentration
Without elimination, both a new world
And the old made explicit, understood
In the completion of its partial ecstasy,
The resolution of its partial horror.
Yet the enchainment of past and future
Woven in the weakness of the changing body,
Protects mankind from heaven and damnation
Which flesh cannot endure.
Time past and time future
Allow but a little consciousness.
To be conscious is not to be in time
But only in time can the moment in the rose-garden,
The moment in the arbour where the rain beat,
The moment in the draughty church at smokefall
Be remembered; involved with past and future.
Only through time time is conquered.

III

Here is a place of disaffection
Time before and time after
In a dim light: neither daylight
Investing form with lucid stillness
Turning shadow into transient beauty
With slow rotation suggesting permanence
Nor darkness to purify the soul
Emptying the sensual with deprivation
Cleansing affection from the temporal.
Neither plenitude nor vacancy. Only a flicker
Over the strained time-ridden faces
Distracted from distraction by distraction
Filled with fancies and empty of meaning
Tumid apathy with no concentration
Men and bits of paper, whirled by the cold wind
That blows before and after time,
Wind in and out of unwholesome lungs
Time before and time after.
Eructation of unhealthy souls
Into the faded air, the torpid
Driven on the wind that sweeps the gloomy hills of London,
Hampstead and Clerkenwell, Campden and Putney,
Highgate, Primrose and Ludgate. Not here
Not here the darkness, in this twittering world.

Descend lower, descend only
Into the world of perpetual solitude,
World not world, but that which is not world,
Internal darkness, deprivation
And destitution of all property,
Desiccation of the world of sense,
Evacuation of the world of fancy,
Inoperancy of the world of spirit;
This is the one way, and the other
Is the same, not in movement
But abstention from movement; while the world moves
In appetency, on its metalled ways
Of time past and time future.

Time and the bell have buried the day,
The black cloud carries the sun away.
Will the sunflower turn to us, will the clematis
Stray down, bend to us; tendril and spray
Clutch and cling?

Chill
Fingers of yew be curled
Down on us? After the kingfisher's wing
Has answered light to light, and is silent, the light is still
At the still point of the turning world.

Words move, music moves
Only in time; but that which is only living
Can only die. Words, after speech, reach
Into the silence. Only by the form, the pattern,
Can words or music reach
The stillness, as a Chinese jar still
Moves perpetually in its stillness.
Not the stillness of the violin, while the note lasts,
Not that only, but the co-existence,
Or say that the end precedes the beginning,
And the end and the beginning were always there
Before the beginning and after the end.
And all is always now. Words strain,
Crack and sometimes break, under the burden,
Under the tension, slip, slide, perish,
Decay with imprecision, will not stay in place,
Will not stay still. Shrieking voices
Scolding, mocking, or merely chattering,
Always assail them. The Word in the desert
Is most attacked by voices of temptation,
The crying shadow in the funeral dance,
The loud lament of the disconsolate chimera.

The detail of the pattern is movement,
As in the figure of the ten stairs.
Desire itself is movement
Not in itself desirable;
Love is itself unmoving,
Only the cause and end of movement,
Timeless, and undesiring
Except in the aspect of time
Caught in the form of limitation
Between un-being and being.
Sudden in a shaft of sunlight
Even while the dust moves
There rises the hidden laughter
Of children in the foliage
Quick now, here, now, always—
Ridiculous the waste sad time
Stretching before and after.

i love this... i'll post the other three later...

but i'll rest in this first quartet for a short while... considering i understand very little of the huge beast of thought Eliot describes.

ITS HAPPENING ITS HAPPENING!

2009-10-13T12:05:00.000-07:00

rain.

its raining.... !

don't you dare tell me you've nothing to sing about.

today is a rainday.

a peacoat wearing, galoshes splashing, tea inside brewing RAIN DAY!

where everyone joins me in the act of internalizing everything and being aware of themselves.

where everyone realizes their finite nature.

i love rain.

cleo.

2009-10-13T00:55:00.000-07:00

buried alive.

sweet earth inhaled.

dark masses heavy above moved by wind and breath.

carry me to my silent cradle bed.

warm damp threaded through bones.

hairs and tubers abandoning their wrinkled homes.

my finger taps the surface.... through the earth and back into me.

traveling.

fulfilled.

When you can't see God look for Lucy.

2009-10-12T13:28:00.000-07:00

Everyone following Jesus needs a couple Lucy Pevensie's in their life.

if you can't see Aslan or where he's headed...

look for the Lucy's who can see him.

who are young enough to see magic.

who are brave enough to go where he asks them.

who are still enough to see him moving.

who are quiet enough to hear his song.

I know i'm Lucy for a lot of people.

Michelle is my Lucy in a lot of situations.... when i don't know where i'm supposed to go... or that i'm doing something stupid... she tells me.

children are always Lucy's.

they know a lot more then we think.

this is a photograph i took sophomore year of high school.

meaghan, lauren and i went on a ride out to this field and i was playing with what light is reflected from the map...

i just really like how meaghan is standing over lauren with the bike and the shadow of lauren on the map.

Last. FM

2009-10-12T00:01:00.000-07:00

because i've realized that people down here just don't have this.

my close friends from high school all have these...

we monitor each others musical tastes and interests on it...

you can listen to ANY song in another persons library on it.

and its great.

its like unlimited pandora but better.

if you decide you want to get one... friend me at

http://www.last.fm/user/emilyisable

and you can listen to anything i listen to.

SHOWS:

passion pit: oct. 14th at the Fonda

dan deacon: oct. 14th UC irvine

bob dylan: oct. 14th Hollywood palladium

monsters of folk: oct. 18th at the greek

noah and the whale: oct. 20th the roxy

islands: oct. 24th the troubadour

regina spektor: oct. 28th greek theater

band of horses: nov. 9th club nokia

bishop allen: nov. 10th el rey theater

mountain goats: nov. 15th henry fonda

horse feathers: nov. 17th bootleg theater

ray lamontagne: nov. 20th orpheum theater

peter bjorn and john: nov. 21 club nokia

fiery furnaces: nov. 21 el rey theater

TO GO HOME.

2009-10-11T21:24:00.000-07:00

m. ward

thanks meaghan.

you were right... its perfect.

i wish i could remember.

2009-10-11T16:12:00.000-07:00

this is the time of year i miss portland the most.

in 2012.

when i'm in portland for fall... for the first time... in 4 years...

i think ill cry every day.

my soul droops inside of me when i think about everyone in their peacoats and rolled up jeans... riding bikes in the cool crispness and being aware of slippery leaves under your wheels.

the blazing trees hanging out over every road.

mist.

the scent and taste of the air.

mud.

the way everyone is drawn together in an untidyness when you come in out of the rain. Cheeks pink and noses running... you let down your hoods and your hair is damp with body heat and rain... this of course causing people with the straightest hair to find small curls and cowlicks around their temples.

unbuttoning and delayering.

the way Powell's is no longer silent but filled with the timpani sound of rain pounding on the windows.

slick entryways.

what puddles look like when they are ridden through by a thin wheeled bike. a thin and shortlived curtain.

damp moss everywhere.

ferns that cry.

driving home sunset highway when its raining but the sun is still shining forth.

getting asthma from running and it slowly leaving while you sit inside your house.

real pumpkin patches.

no umbrellas... what are you.. an Ex-Californian?

socks up to your knees under your jeans.

red around your knuckles.

storms and their sounds.

inside, home alone after high school... laying on the couch looking out the window... bag slewn on the floor, shoes still on but not for long... one sock having inched its way under my heel...

clothes tightly constricting my movements until i can only be a cylinder in this world.

the slow unbuttoning.

one minute in between each one.

laying there... thinking about how good it is to be alive.

thats what rain does.

it reminds you...

youre alive.

and these are the confines of your body.

and thats where i end... at my fingertip, my nose, my toe.

i don't go any further into space and space is greeting me with rain.

i'm alive.

BARBLE.

2009-10-11T12:21:00.000-07:00

the new tea our school is selling is GOOD.

i love it.

every kind i've tried is great.

the end.BAYE BAYE BAYE

maybe.

2009-10-11T01:01:00.000-07:00

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/bik/1406710815.html

percival?

so i wanna go check this peugeot out. its pretty ok i think... and this is an old ad but i called the guy on friday and he said it was still available.

he sounded kinda sketchy though.

so boys??

220 is actually not that bad if this is in good condition... but i'll prolly offer 150 first.... considering he said "or best offer".

i've wanted a peugeot specifically for a while.. and i do love white...

id replace the bartape.

also i'm pretty sure this was stolen.... but idk what that would mean for my purchasing it.

KEEP THE CAR RUNNING arcade fire is my fav.... gets me pumped.

also the pomona art walk KINDA blew but it was cool to hang out with all those people... kinda weird since i'm just a little sophomore and they are all friends... but its ok:)

imma go sleep now.

MICAHS VISITING!

2009-10-09T15:40:00.001-07:00

this is my little brother asleep on my couch.

2 seconds after this was taken he began to snore so i smacked him.
i love my little brother micah! :)

a bunch of Previews are here with my church from back home BeaverTRON foursquare.

its pretty fun... 4 girls stayed with me last night and then them and a boy who stayed with luke came with me to CLFM.

it was a good discussion for them to sit in on.

then we went to the Coug for walkfood... which was awesome.

then everyone else who had been at a different school this morning came and met up with us for a tour.

my feet hurt so much.

we're both just exhausted on the couch...

after the normal tour i walked him around the art department...

and then we walked back here...

now i'm exhausted.

i'm taking a napGBYE

arts.

2009-10-08T13:25:00.000-07:00

1. colin hill 17 years old? bow chicka wow wow...

http://colin.vg/

2.jonna isaac's children's ministry designs... WHAAAAA

http://www.jonnaisaac.com/portfolio/19012/

CLEAN HOUSE.

2009-10-08T11:56:00.001-07:00

when i clean the house... it does not stay clean.

for mere moments lasts that heartwarming sheen.

for soon they blow in restless from class...

tracking in lazyness along with some grass.

why do i bother?

why do i care?

i know that soon more scum will be there.

but i dutifully clean, i scrub and i dry

"who's dish was this?" i wonder and sigh.

who's hairs in the tub, who's littered the floor?

who's left out their fruit til its swollen and sore?

who thought that i had nothing better to do...

than to clean! clean! clean! clean!

WELL IM DONE CLEANING FOR YOU!

people are people are people.

2009-10-08T02:39:00.001-07:00

and i can't expect them to be any different.

"i'm discovering... that emily likes things to be very clean." sara said to andrea from the kitchen.

andrea nods...

sara continues her thought, "I could leave my dishes in the sink for a week and be fine... i'll get to it later... but she can't live with that."

this is very interesting to me.

my roommates would never guess that emily's mother has been lecturing her for a good chunk of her life on how leaving cups in the sink, dishes in the living room, countless pairs of shoes under the coffee table will be the deciding point between a good relationship with her roommates or husband.

JEEZE.

i mean... all those lectures and suddenly i have my own house and its like i'm a completely different kid.

i am CLEAN.

like... really clean.

...and sara is not.

so:

1. my roommates need to shape up and get this whole house in ship shape condition or imma' jump ship.

2. that was ridiculous.

3. haha mom.

4. its 2:45 and i have been cleaning the kitchen for the past 3 hours.

5. sara is getting married this summer WAT?!

6. i found a new way to do my hair and it rocks.

7. molly, cara and i are entering the mural contest for WINN and we will winn.

i need to quit with the puns and spelling things and alliterations.

its out of control....

oh and thats right... you heard me correctly... one of my roommates is getting married this summer...

andrea told me tonight.

apparently sara didn't deem me as important enough to tell... which is fine... cause i wouldn't either.. haha

but that is so weird.

she knows the person she's going to be BURIED next to.

just another nail in the coffin.

ill tell you this...

when i pick my coffin it'll be a damn good one.... i refuse to settle.

WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT!?

that metaphor is ridiculous.

i'm comparing my husband to a coffin.... how insulting.

suckage.

2009-10-07T13:10:00.000-07:00

if you have a bad monday... you can usually almost guarantee your week is just not going to be fun.

what it means for me is i am anticipating the next monday when my week will be fresh and i'll get another chance.

"tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it" - thank you anne of green gables....

but i disagree... often times your mistakes today don't fully KARMAround to getcha til tomorrow...

AND THAT SUCKS.

(i'm still laughing at my last sentence.... haha)

all the same: i'm getting ready to take a nap.

i do want to say though...

i took advantage of one of my professors today...

and now i just feel awful.

i'm not going to go in and be all noble about it and apologize because i feel like that isn't necessary...

it wasn't even that big of a deal...

but it just made me realize that i tend to do this a lot.

my reputation in classes is really good and when i take advantage of it... allow a prof to believe i would never intentionally miss a class or come late...

well it IS deceiving them...

and it made me feel bad.

not doing that again.

and what that means is : getting all my homework done the night before.

and saying no to josh miles when he wants to go get coffee at 10:30 when a girls already IN bed getting ready to go to sleep...

i need to make better decisions... and not to allow the negative suckage of a week to cause me to feel ENTITLED to make a worse one.

get that?

we shouldn't say to ourselves... MAN this weeks been really ROUGH (not admitting we probably brought that upon ourselves in some form or other)....

I DESERVE THIS.

and then go do something that you'll pay for the next day...

gosh im stupid sometimes.

ALRIGHT: nap time.

1. new genre homework

2. figure drawing painting

3. umbrella

4. clfm article

5. clean the house

GO SEE

2009-10-06T02:59:00.001-07:00

Lord Save Us From Your Followers.

in real.

going to portland.

if Jesus had never lived...

here i am.

unspoken anger.

apologies.

TO BE DONE.

ive lived a year.

HORRIBLE.

A Clothing Clearance Where More Than Just the Prices Have Been Slashed

Related

Times Topics: Jim Dwyer

michelles house alone.

i have adorbs friends.

movies i want to see:

new piece.

Carey Mulligan.

not fooled.

how to make a living making art.

my friend Grahm posted this article... and i love it.

tired.

spins in my new apron for josh to see

i miss being a roomie.

on jane austen.

i love her.

my sister is so gosh darn cute.

poets gold.

in the 60's

Mother Teresa

should i cut my hair or let it grow?

Jesus the Word.

repetition.

oxford.

Crystmas.

Yonder.

the best.

the best.

this weekends impossible possibilities.

Throw Shit Breaks.

faucet.

idea.

Time

I WONDER AS I WANDER

THE HOUSE.

ohhh my word.

undeniable.

eesh..

installation

jigs.

something evil inside of me

neverending story.

BAHAHAHAHAA...

things i'd like in december.

the 16th of the psalmist.

headbands.

gaps.

i want to get back to my collections.

bahaha...

songs.

Top 5 Love Songs by The Mountain Goats

stirred.

every christian should adhere to this.

made this.

today is hallo

daft.

sing out sing out.

3 days.

bahahahahahaaaaaa.

the pains of sleep: coleridge

klimt has become real popular.sad

MAN ON WIFE.

like natalie said.

Did God Make Evil?

for my walls.

friday..

talks.

cieling wax.

figure drawing and painting tonight.

MOST FUN DAY OF MY LIFE.

processing.